Allowances........To Pay.....or Not To Pay.....

Tweet

I think one of the rights of passage from child to young adult, is the age old debate of whether or not your parents give you an allowance.  Back in "my day" my parents were of the opinion that because they were providing food, shelter, and clothing, we didn't need an allowance.  My brother and I were expected to do certain chores.......without complaining.........and get them done when expected.  The alternative of not doing them was some sort of punishment.  Needless to say, we weren't always happy about this particular philosophy, but guess what......the treat of punishment out-weighed the desire to not do the chores!

The debate will probably never end as long as there are people having children. I've seen every kind of position on this, and while some are way out there, there are a few that seemingly make logical sense.  I ran across an article on a father, Jake Johnson, who decided that rather than just paying an allowance to their son for certain chores, they would leave it up to him to decide what needed to be done, and then pay him accordingly.  At first I was a little perplexed, because unless you have a really mature child, how many of them are going to look for "meaningful" chores around the house.  However, I then harkened back to the days I taught third grade, and remembered how I marveled at my eight and nine-year-old's ability to use insight and intelligence to figure things out.  It dawned on me as a teacher, that sometimes we sell our kids short when we assume what their abilities are.

Most kids love a challenge.......especially one they get to be in charge of.  So as I pondered this, the article I read really began to make sense.  Mr. Johnson's goal was to encourage his son to take notice of the world around him, and look for things that needed to be done.  Why wouldn't any of us want to encourage that?  Why wouldn't you want your child to pay attention, look for a problem they themselves could solve, and then do it?  This kind of experience would prove to be invaluable as they go through school, and then what lucky company wouldn't want to hire someone who from early on learned how to recognize the issues, and resolve them.  I personally thought his approach was brilliant.

That being said, every parent has to use the methods that work for them and their own families.  I don't think every method, every word of advice, or every person responds in the same way since we're each wired in a unique way.  I guess the point of this post is to say, think outside the box when it comes to compensating your children with an allowance.  It can be fun, it can be challenging, it can be frustrating.......but no matter what you choose, it should be a lesson learned each time that will benefit them when they grow up.

I'm curious.......how do you feel about allowances?

Posted first on AdorableBabyClothing.com Blog

Walk the Talk

Tweet

Who hasn't heard the phrase, "because I told you so!".......and I'm betting it was your mom or dad who said it more than once in your lifetime!  Of course there are times when it's totally logical and acceptable to use that phrase....but, have you ever had it come back to "bite you" later?

 

I was thinking about how we tell our children to do this, do that...think this, think that, and assume they'll just do it "because we said so".  And yet, how many times have you told your children to do something and then turned around and done the opposite yourself......you know they do watch and listen to us!  

For instance, they come home from school one day upset 

 because of what a classmate said to them.  We try to toughen them up and tell them to just "turn the other cheek" to that person and be kind to everyone.......maybe good in theory, but that's hardly the solution.  And, then......oh my.......they over hear you telling one of your friends what "so and so" said about you or someone else, and your children can hear the anger in the tone of your voice.  So what kind of message is that to your child?  The "do as I say, because I said so" is hardly worth the air you breathed, if you turn around and contradict yourself.

It's so important to really listen to what our children are telling us, and then "walk the talk" if we expect them to do what we've told them to do.  I know it's easy to say, and so much harder to do, but parenting is never promised to be easy.  Parenting is perhaps one of the most exhausting, frustrating, perplexing and lonely things a human will ever undertake.  There are a million books and articles on "how to parent", but in the midst of life we are pretty much left to our own devices.  

 
 

There will be times that we look and sound like the Dali Lama in our wisdom, and there are times we'll look like a raving maniac......but, the short of it is, that if you expect your children to do as you say, you can't just order an edict and expect them to comply if you don't follow your own advice.  Why?  

"Because I said so!"



 Posted first on AdorableBabyClothing.com Blog

Actions Speak Louder Than Your Words

Tweet

It's a new year, and everyone is talking about "new year resolutions".........and we all know how that usually goes.  You make some resolution that in the moment seems "doable" and you're so determined to follow through, and within a month (if not sooner) you've found a million reasons why that was a stupid resolution and not worth pursuing.   And, then.......we resolve to not make resolutions, or to at least make better ones.......NEXT year!

If you have children, and they're old enough, they are of course watching.  So what are we really teaching them when we make some silly resolution, and then toss it aside within a few weeks?  Perseverance can be one of the toughest roads to walk.  Whether it's persevering on a diet, or the language you use, or finding your 'soul mate', or whatever the quest......the perseverance can be daunting.  Sometimes it just feels easier to give up and not worry about the outcome.  We humans are masters at rationalizing why something should or shouldn't be.

Now.....back to the kids......we all want our children to grow up to be healthy, happy and successful.  Many do in spite of the parenting, or because of the parenting they received growing up.  One thing is for certain.....there are no guarantees that even if you do everything exactly perfectly, your children will grow up the way you imagined.  However, parenting requires not only perseverance, but.....uh oh....here comes that word......resolutions!  With that in mind, it might go a little better for all of us if we remember just a few rules:

• Focus on Short-Term Goals versus Long Term Goals: Young children, 
  
  don’t often have the ability to set a goal long term and keep the motivation up to achieve it....especially if it is something that will take them a year or more to reach. So, don’t focus on  long-term goals with your children. If they've come up with a big goal, it's best to help them break it down into little goals.  This way they'll be able to achieve the smaller goals more quickly, which encourages them to keep striving towards that BIG goal.

• Limit the Number of Goals:    Children pretty much live in the 'here and now'.  Have you ever told one of them to do 3 or 4 things before they can go out
  
  
  to play, and then realize an hour later you haven't heard them at all......and then, find them doing something totally unrelated to the tasks!?  When young children are given a big long list of goals, it is easy for them to feel overwhelmed and lose motivation. Prioritize what's really the most important thing, and keep that list short!  No more than 1 or 2 things.  Interestingly enough, what you'll usually find is, when kids see just one or two things, they'll dive right in and get them done before you expect them too.  Then, once those are out of the way, add a couple more.......like they say....."baby steps" towards the ultimate goal.    

• Let You Children Set Goals That Matter To Them: The temptation as parents is to establish "our" goals for our kids.  And to a certain extent that's okay, but ultimately kids need to learn how to set their own goals.  If we continually come up with the idea, set the priority, and then demand performance, we are in essence setting them up for a life of waiting for someone else to tell them what to do, when to do it, and how to do it.   Let your children create their own goals that are important to them--teach them early on how to set their own achievable goals and how to reach them.  (Remember.......don't do the work for them!)

• Don't Rescue Them:  One of the things most parents are guilty of doing is rescuing their children when things don't go according to plan.  Of course
  
  there's always an instance where it's necessary, but I'm talking about rescuing them from things they probably shouldn't be involved in, or from things they don't need.  Just because their best friend got a new 'whatever' and they're upset because they don't have one, doesn't mean you run out and get one for them so they won't be sad.  And, there are times when they get themselves into trouble, and we want to rescue them, but honestly, how do we all learn best......by suffering the consequences of our own bad decisions.  If you're constantly rushing in to help them out of situations they got themselves into, guess what......you'll be doing it when they're adults to.  So let them suffer the consequences of their bad decisions (and I hope you know I mean within reason), and just be there to encourage them to do better the next time.  At this point too....resist the temptation to lecture or say "I told you this would happen"....you know all those "parent words" that seem to flow so effortlessly from our mouths.  This is a time to help them reflect on what they could have done differently to achieve a more positive outcome.  (The resisting part for you is the really really hard part!)

Posted first on AdorableBabyClothing.com Blog